Should we be polite to AI?
Polite by design
As a product designer, I spend much of my time considering how technology and human behavior intersect. One of the most intriguing shifts I’ve observed is how we treat artificial intelligence, not just as a tool but as something deserving of social courtesy. This brings us to a fascinating question: Do manners matter when interacting with AI?
The answer, I believe, goes beyond simple etiquette. How we treat AI reflects—and potentially influences—our humanity.
The Reflex of Politeness
Siri listens attentively. She answers my questions, fulfills my requests, and remains unerringly polite—even if I’m not. She doesn’t tire or get annoyed. She won’t argue back if I’m rude or demand more than she can deliver. Yet, despite knowing she’s an inanimate entity, I often find myself unconsciously thanking her after she provides the weather forecast or sets a reminder.
This reflexive politeness feels natural. After all, Siri’s responses mimic a human conversational partner. These exchanges trigger the same social conditioning instilled in us for face-to-face interactions. If anything, my mom might be proud that I’m polite—even to a machine.
Manners and Expectation
The way we interact with objects and people often hinges on whether we anticipate a response. Consider these examples:
- Inanimate objects: We yell at a car that won’t start or a TV when our favorite team misses a goal. These are one-sided expressions of frustration where we expect no reply.
- Human interactions without a response: Shouting at a reckless driver from the safety of a closed car, knowing they won’t hear us, is a similar outlet for frustration.
- Online interactions: Leaving rude comments or engaging in trolling is easier when the interaction lacks the immediacy of face-to-face repercussions.
In all these cases, politeness tends to fade when a response isn’t expected. But with AI, it’s different. AI responds in ways that mirror human conversations. This activates our social reflex to be polite—at least most of the time.
Why We Empathize with AI
AI systems like Siri or Alexa gain an added layer of interaction because they are designed with human-like traits. A pleasant voice, an intelligent reply, or even a touch of humor can lead us to anthropomorphize them, attributing human qualities to inanimate technology.
Why do I feel so bad, man. I just wanna hug that robot!!” – Youtube Commenter
This isn’t a new phenomenon. Consider the viral video of students “abusing” a human-shaped robot. The video sparked outrage and empathy for the robot, even though it was later revealed to be staged. Commenters expressed guilt and sympathy, such as one saying, “I just wanna hug that robot!”
This reaction reveals our instinctive empathy for anything that mimics human characteristics. As AI technology advances—becoming more nuanced in tone, emotion recognition, and interaction—our tendency to empathize with AI will likely deepen.
The Risks of Impersonal Interaction
But what happens if we stop being polite? If we train ourselves to bark commands at AI—“Turn on the lights,” “Play music,” “Call Dad”—without regard for tone or manners, could this habit bleed into our human interactions?
Research into human social behavior suggests that consistent patterns of impoliteness can erode empathy and patience. If our time is spent issuing commands to subservient systems, will we unconsciously adopt the same tone when dealing with people?
Conversely, could designing AI that fosters empathy and courtesy help improve our social reflexes? Some researchers, like Angelica Lim, are already exploring how to program AI with emotional intelligence, creating systems that not only mimic empathy but also encourage it. See her take here:
The Choice to Stay Human
In the end, politeness toward AI isn’t for the benefit of the machine—it’s for us. AI is programmed to be polite, subservient, and accommodating, regardless of how we treat it. But if we allow ourselves to interact with AI as masters rather than partners, we risk losing an essential part of what makes us human: our capacity for kindness.
As AI becomes more integrated into our lives, we face a choice. Do we embrace courtesy and empathy in our interactions, reinforcing habits that elevate our humanity? Or do we allow technology to reinforce command-driven, impersonal exchanges that diminish our social bonds?
I believe that no matter what technology lies ahead, we have the choice to stay human.